Warning: this post will be offensive to some and is probably not appropriate for younger readers.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. My dear friend, John Loux, had stopped over to my house one day to chat before moving out of the area. I really didn’t think much of it. Man, was I in for a surprise.
If memory serves correctly, John mentioned that he had already spoken to my parents (this should have been a clue something was up), and that he had something he needed to share with me. I kid you not when he said (my paraphrase), “Jared, when I saw you walk onto the stage last week to play drums God told me you had a problem with pornography.” Talk about your Truth Bomb. I sat there a little in shock, ok a lot in shock. I really wasn’t sure how to react. I had been caught, and I knew it. Worse off I got caught just by someone looking me in the eye. Boy was I mad. I was mad at John, mad at mom and dad, mostly mad at God, and mad at myself for getting caught.
As I look back now, I’m eternally thankful for a friend like John who listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and confronted a sin in my life I thought I had pretty well hidden. As with almost any sin, my road down the path of pornography started fairly innocently, either with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition or a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and it progressed rapidly from there. I was hooked. There’s really no other way to put it.
It’s hard to put into words just how addictive pornography can be. I’ve never done drugs, so I can’t speak to their addictive qualities, but I’ve heard it said, and I believe studies have been done, that show pornography is more addictive than crack cocaine. I would 150% agree with that statement.
It got to the point where basically all I thought about revolved around finding pornography and the releases associated with it. It was really a dark, dark time in my life.
My parents were, of course, crushed. And they came down pretty hard on me, but I know now it was out of love. TV was off, computer access was incredibly limited, etc. They also had me see a counselor, which was one of the best things they could have done for me. I ended up making a life long friend and worked with the man who eventually officiated my wedding. The counseling definitely helped, but there were still weak moments along the way.
Have you ever bargained with God? Have you ever promised to not do that one sin that trips you up every time again? Yeah, I’ve been there – a BUNCH of times. Each time I was determined that I was going to beat pornography or that I had beaten it. But I didn’t. And you know what? I’ll never be able to beat it on my own. It’s way too powerful.
My goal in writing this painfully personal post is to help open up peoples’ eyes to the very real, very ugly truth of pornography in the church. It’s there. You might not think it’s there. You probably don’t want to think it’s there. You might not think men in your church struggle with lust, but they do. We’re all human. Guys are wired as visual creatures. I’m not really sure why, but that’s how God made us. And just to prove my point, let’s do a quick rundown of some “famous” people in the Bible:
- Job – had to make a pact with himself not to look lustfully at women
- David – BIG time problem with lust, which ended in him making a mess of his life
- Samson – lust cost him his eyes and eventually his life
There are other instances, but those are 3 people who came to mind in less than a minute. So, our struggle is not unique to today’s day and age.
It’s weird how pornography addiction works. I have a friend who once told me that sometimes just seeing snow falling makes him think of cocaine and makes him want to get high. Pornography is the same way. You’ll see something in a commercial, or the way someone is dressed, or a comment or (fill in the blank) and it triggers that need to “get high”, if you will. It’s crazy how addiction works that way.
I want to speak to fathers for a minute. The influence you have in your children’s lives is monumental, especially in the life of your son(s). What he sees you allow he will think is acceptable for him as well. You can speak against pornography and lust until you’re blue in the face, but if your actions don’t match your words, he’ll definitely follow your actions. I am SO thankful my dad had such a firm stance on this issue. I knew what I was doing was wrong, partly because I have NEVER seen him entertain anything close. He set a strong example in my life. One that I failed to live up to in this area.
Now that I have my own son it’s even more important that I lead by example for his sake. I don’t want my actions to send a message that contradicts what I’m telling him. The example of a father is a powerful, powerful thing. It is our responsibility to “man up” and be the leaders God has called us to be, no matter how hard the struggle.
Now, to the ladies. It’s important you really try to understand how we crazy men work. Please don’t make things any more difficult for us than they already are. Please pray for the man in your life who faces the temptation of lust literally everywhere he goes – movies, TV, music, magazines, the book store, grocery store checkout, you name it. Talk to him and be open and honest with him. And if/when he admits he has a problem, don’t nail him to the wall. Yes, it hurts to know the person you love has fallen into this trap, but love him. Talk to him. Work with him. Pray with him. Pray for him. Pray for him. Pray for him. He is your man to “go to bat for” before God’s throne. So do it. And support and love him. Did I mention love him? Love covers a multitude of sins. God’s love, flowing through you, will be used to release the chains of bondage in his life. I guarantee it.
I’m so thankful for Danielle. She has been an amazing support system for me as I work through this issue as life goes on. I’m pretty much convinced, unfortunately, that it’s something that will never go away in this lifetime. It’s pull can get less and less, but it’s a temptation that’s always there. We’ve had some awfully difficult talks, and there have been times where my actions in this area I know have broken her heart, but she has been faithful to me and loved me through each failure. I know FOR SURE that I wouldn’t be the man I am today without her love and support and understanding when it comes to this issue. She is my best friend, and knowing she has my back means the world to me.
Pornography is a terrible thing that can literally wreak havoc on a life, but that’s the thing. It doesn’t just touch one life. It has the potential to, in one way, shape or form, affect the lives of almost everyone involved in your life – your wife, your kids, your friends, your church family, your work – you name it. That’s the scary thing. And when one domino falls, the path it leaves in its wake can and most likely will be brutal.
So, if you’re battling this addiction currently, get help. Get help. Get help. Get help. Did I make enough of a point there?
GET HELP. Seriously. Find someone you can trust to talk to. Share with them. Don’t be afraid “to get real” with them, because it might possibly save your life and the lives of those you hold dear. And keep giving the issue to Jesus in prayer. Again, and again, and again, and again. It takes time, and it’s not easy at all. I’d also recommend finding great worship music to immerse yourself in. There is a certain power in music, especially worship music. And fill yourself with the God’s Word as well – always a great tool against any temptation.
Most of all, if you’re dealing with this issue, don’t be discouraged. Others are too. I know you’ve probably heard that before, but now you know it’s true.
you are awesome and amazing and wonderful and imperfect!!! and i love that.
here’s the bottom line. i love you. and i struggle with things too and to judge you because of this is wrong. the only thing i know to do is support you.
you are beautiful <3
Thank you! I have seen personally the effect this, as well as other addictions can have on relationships. Your solemn truth and openess is hope that others pay attention and think about their actions.
Jared, thank you for sharing your painful experience and your desire to help others. God will give to you the ministry of restoration.
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Jared, I am sure you do not remember me. You were so young, but I worked with your dad at New Covenant Academy. Wow! This blog is powerful. After expressing your failure in this area, you may not believe it…but I see the strength of your father cong through you. As a minister, and very involved in the church, I know you have a ministry within the church that God will reveal to you and make room for. Maybe even in writing or small groups. Stand strong! Give my love to your parents.
Really enjoyed this post, Jared. IF “enjoyed” can be used when discussing addictive behaviors. I suffer from my addictions, so I know how powerful they are and what it takes to keep them surrendered. I have to believe that admitting you struggle is the first step to recovery and sharing that struggle in an open, honest way is healing for the body of Christ. Many may struggle the same way, but won’t tell anyone. They suffer alone, and that is sad, because Jesus formed the church, in part, so that we would not have to suffer alone. Keep writing, brother, and keep looking up!
Sue, I assume you go with Paul 🙂 I very vaguely remember both of you. Thank you for the kind words. My dad is truly my hero, and if I can turn out like him, I’ve done well in my book. I feel a couple areas have opened up to Danielle and I, and it’s very exciting. Thank you for the encouragement!
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Wow. Such courage in one so young. Amazing. I have often said that I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to be a man in this society. From the standpoint of a mom, wife, grandmother and woman, I see pornography as the true war on women. We need men to stand for us and say ‘enough’. That is what you are doing here on this blog. Danielle is blessed to be your wife. A real man faces his weaknesses. A courageous man faces his weaknesses and then reaches out to others in order to help them with theirs.You are such an asset to God’s Kingdom. I am proud to say I know you and I am honored to pray for you. I look forward to watching your ministries (yes, I think you have more than one) grow and mature as you draw near to the Lord Jesus. You are a Lifeline to many. Thank you, Jared.
Thank you for sharing your story here. It is especially difficult being a woman with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and having an elevated level of testosterone. It’s so easy for society to think that it’s just a man’s problem, but I too, being a woman with PCOS struggle with this addiction. I got addicted right away my first year of college away from my parents. I was 18. My parents, not that they didn’t care, because they do care a lot, but I always had more liberal parents, so it really wasn’t that big of a deal when my mom found out that I was watching videos and perusing the internet. Anyway, I had always had “woman” problems and wouldn’t find out until a couple years later that I had PCOS and had been explained to me that I had higher levels of testosterone and thus resulting in, of course, a higher sex drive. I, unfortunately, was not a virgin when I got married, and of ironically, when I first met my husband, he himself was working in an adult video industry. He too struggles with pornography. And even though when we first got married and decided to burn all the dvd’s he had from working in the company he had before he got laid off, and were a huge part of the church we were going to, it has not been an easy ride for me either. Because I too was a part of the church yet trapped in the addiction. I can not speak for my husband, but for me, this will always, always be a lifetime struggle. I still fail to this day. And yes, I too have bargained with God. Fortunately, God is not a bargaining God, and even when it hurts, he is only trying to refine us, but he still loves us and forgives us when we are truly repentant after we fail. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for being honest in your post, but also to let others know that woman also struggle with this issue.