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Hurt By the Church

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Posted by on Mar 6, 2012 in Church, God | 6 comments

I was recently approached to write an essay regarding some thorny situations I’ve gone through with “the church” in the past couple years.

I figured the blog would serve as a good platform to share my experience as well.

I am not naming names in this blog. It really doesn’t matter.

#1

We were involved in a church when some, shall we say, social issues caused strife. These related to my getting tattoos and having my 30th birthday party at a local bar.

I get it. Some people don’t like tattoos, and they use the verse in Leviticus 19:28, which says, “Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD.” Now, that verse was given in the context the Jewish people found themselves in. It also specifically references the dead. What’s funny is that you don’t hear the verse before quoted, which deals with not cutting the hair on the side of your head.

I’m no Hebrew scholar, so I don’t even know what the original text is. Perhaps it doesn’t even really relate to tattoos as we know them today.

Guess what verse people in the anti-tattoo group don’t quote often – Revelation 19:16 “On his robe and on his thigh he has this name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS.” Now, I have no idea whether or not this is actually a tattoo (in the way we understand them) or what it is. But it clearly says something is written on Jesus’ thigh.

Moving on to the topic of alcohol. I know, I know. This is a super thorny church issue. I get it. Ephesians 5:18 says, ” Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit….” To my knowledge this is the only time the issue of drunkenness (as something to avoid) is mentioned in Scripture.

There are, however, lots of places that mention the benefits of wine/alcohol, etc., whether it applies to health, merriment, etc.

And here’s the kicker – Jesus’ first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding! And not some non-alcoholic stuff, as many people posit, the good stuff! The guests themselves said so.

So, drunkenness = no, drinking = use your judgment.

We didn’t see eye to eye with the church regarding these issues and made the decision to leave. We were asked to step down in certain leadership positions OR cover up tattoos/stop frequenting establishments that serve alcohol. Since we did not choose the latter – we stepped down, and the decision was made.

#2

We went through another situation where I was brought into a meeting at church with a few friends. The meeting boiled down to 2 topics:

  1. Our attendance at 2 churches
  2. A perceived inappropriate relationship

Personally, I see absolutely nothing wrong with attending two churches, especially if the service times don’t conflict with each other (which was the case in our situation). There were several weekends where we attended church with Danielle’s parents while visiting and yet still considered this our home church. The more church, the merrier, in my opinion, to a point. I also don’t see anywhere in Scripture prohibiting the attendance of multiple church meetings. Bear in mind, though, that “church” back when the early church started looked just about 100% completely different than it does today, at least at most churches. That’s a whole blog post in itself.

We were told that attending two churches was not okay, if we were to maintain a leadership position, – we had to pick one – so again the decision was made for us.

The issue that hurt me more was being accused of an inappropriate relationship. The person meant really well, and was looking out for me, and I LOVE them for that, but boy did it hurt.

As many of you know, I tend to be outspoken, probably more so when it comes to my online life, if you will. Danielle and I, and many of our friends tend to have pretty sarcastic senses of humor, and I’m sure sometimes people read the things we write and think, “what in the world is wrong with those two, three, four, etc.?” But it’s who we are. It’s how we relate. Simple as that.

You have no idea the amount of pain that accusation caused for about a month or so. It led to insecurities for both Danielle and me. Danielle wondering what / who I was writing to, and I was afraid to say anything to that could in any way possible be misconstrued by someone “on the outside looking in.”

We have had some difficult conversations. Crap has hit the fan a time or two, as they say. We had to have super awkward conversations with the people at the other end of the “inappropriate relationship”. But you know what? I feel we have all come out stronger because of it.

Danielle and I have always tried to be completely honest and open with each other. Right from the time we first started dating, and going through these hard times has only helped to improve that honesty. Although sometimes I do clam up and don’t want to talk, mostly because I don’t know how to say something or can’t put the thoughts in head together the way I want to.

Now, the point of these illustrations. You will be hurt by the church. By people in the church. By people who love you and mean well and want the best for you. You will be hurt by someone’s words. By what someone writes on Facebook or Twitter or on their blog or on the next big thing to come in social media. It will happen, because the church is made up of imperfect people.

The thing you have to decide is – what will you do when you’re hurt? Will you turn your back on God and swear off religion because Christians are hypocrites? Will you become bitter and let the hurt fester in your soul until you become merely a shadow of the person you once were? Will you become a gossip and spread as much hurt as you can to make yourself feel better about being hurt?

Or will you rise above that. Will you go above and beyond 70*7? Will you choose to love? Will you choose to walk out your faith? Will you continue, even though the journey is hard and it sucks and it doesn’t make sense at points? Will you trust that your Father has a plan and that even these awful situations can be woven in and made into something greater than you could ever imagine?

I hope you choose the latter. I’m trying to. It’s tough, not gonna lie. Many days I want to be bitter. I want to hold onto the hurt and I want to feel justified in my anger. But what good will that do in the long run? Why not release it and move on, and in the process release yourself.
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Facebook Explanation

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Posted by on Feb 25, 2012 in Facebook, God, Personal, Social Media | 0 comments

I know I don’t really owe anyone an explanation as to why we’re back on Facebook, but I thought I’d post a blog about it, instead of having to answer the question over and over again :)

As many of our friends know we’ve gone on 2 Facebook “breaks” recently.  Mostly due to issues mentioned in previous blog postings. These last 4-5 weeks have been incredibly emotional, and there have been a lot of things going on behind the scenes that contributed to those decisions.

This last “break” was probably more serious, at least at the start. It became apparent to me, though, that I didn’t want to be off Facebook because of the perceptions of a handful of people. I love being on Facebook. I love interacting with friends and family. I love being sarcastic and bantering back and forth.

Probably some of you would love for us to not be on Facebook, if for nothing less than to not blow up your News Feed and Ticker. But we both love being able to share with friends and family. Whether it’s sharing our pithy comments, sharing photos and videos of Fitzy, sharing Danielle’s amazing photography, or sharing blog posts and the love of Jesus, we love sharing it with all of you.

We decided, at the advice of a dear friend, to start over with fresh accounts. Man, was that a pain. We both wanted to use the same email addresses as our old accounts, so you first need to add another address to each account. Then confirm that address. Then make that address the primary address for the account. Then remove the old address. Then deactivate the account. Oh, and if you want to delete the account? That’ll be at least 2 weeks. Sheesh. And don’t get me started on deleting friends once you’ve activate Timeline. It literally took me 2 hours to delete 40 people once.

So, we’re back. Trying to stick to some boundaries. Trying to enjoy our friends and family without worrying about everyone’s perception of us. Well, maybe the Rock Star doesn’t worry, but I do.

As a younger Tiger Woods once said, “Hello, World.” Or in our case, “Hello, Facebook.”

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Truth & Grace

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Posted by on Feb 21, 2012 in God, Opinion, Personal, Religion | 1 comment

John 1:14 – “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the concept of being full of grace and truth.

Warning – Truth Bombs to follow.

Jesus was full of truth and grace. Case in point, the woman at the well. She admits she has no husband. In John 4:17-18 Jesus replies, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

Woah, Truth Bomb dropped. In today’s vernacular, Jesus basically says, “Yes, you have been a whore, but at least you’ve been honest about it.”

This sort of “brutal” honesty is something lacking in the modern church, in my opinion. So many times we here “don’t judge me”, or “careful, you don’t want to judge someone.” Many times people refer back to John 7:3, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye.”

In today’s church we seem to avoid calling things for what they are, for fear of hurting someone’s feelings, judging, etc. I think we have the concept of judging messed up. I see judging as looking at someone who dresses differently or looks differently and coming to a conclusion about them, without knowing all the facts. That’s just one example.

It’s not judging to say, “hey, you really sliced that drive there, Tiger.” It’s truth based on an observation.

It’s not judging when your brother/sister is clearly living in sin and you point it out, lovingly and gracefully to them. In fact, your doing them a favor.

The trick is to find the balance between truth and grace. Too much truth with no grace leads to hopelessness on the end of the one being Truth Bombed. Too much grace without truth leads people into a false sense of themselves that’s not grounded in the reality of their situation.

Truth: Jesus calls Peter Satan when He gets in the way of God’s plan.

Grace: Jesus restores Peter to fellowship after the resurrection and builds His church on Peter.

Truth: Jesus confronts the woman about to be stoned by the Pharisees.

Grace: Jesus turns away the Pharisees and saves the woman’s life.

I could go on and on with different examples of the balance between truth and grace in Jesus’ life. Jesus was truth, and he was grace.

For a cultural reference, look at the example of Whitney Houston. Now, I don’t mean to disparage the dead. However, let’s take a look at her life. Was she an insanely talented singer? Definitely. And apparently gave her life to Jesus at some point. Nobody knows that for certain except God and Whitney.

But let’s also face the facts – she was a drug addict the past 10+ years of her life. That’s no condemnation or judgment of her. It’s just a fact. No different than saying, “Barack Obama is the current President of the United States.” I find it a little odd that death tends to make us look at people through rose-colored glasses. Again, no slap at Whitney. But she had issues. Issues that someone in her life should have stood up against and seen that she got help with. I don’t know, perhaps they did. But it seems that all too often when it comes to celebrities their inner circles amount to nothing more than “yes men” who enable them.

What a tragic loss of life at such a young age. I think it’s fair to say that Whitney battled demons. We all do. There is nothing judgmental in that statement. It’s just a fact.

Today, take a look at yourself. Ask yourself, “am I dropping too much truth on people with no helping of grace to go alongside?” Or perhaps, “am I showing so much grace that I’m shielding someone from the truth of their situation – a situation that definitely needs the truth to shine through?”

May we all strive to be like Jesus – full of truth AND grace.

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Angry Elf

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Posted by on Feb 17, 2012 in Facebook, Personal | 2 comments

Ephesians 4:26-27

26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
I have dealt with a lot of anger recently, and since writing appears to be therapeutic for me, I figured I’d get some of it out here.

WARNING: continue reading at your own risk.

There have basically been two incidents that have spawned a lot of these anger issues.

1.) Our second miscarriage

Although having Fitzy helps out so much, it still was a total emotional sucker punch for me. Danielle was more prepared because she felt something was wrong. I tried to reassure her several times that everything would be ok. I don’t know how many times I did that while we were pregnant with Fitzy, and everything turned out wonderfully.

I know people have meant well when they tell me that Fitzy will help, and I am thankful for all you who have said that to me. But it still sucks. It just plain sucks.

Do you know how many people are out there that shouldn’t being have kids that seem to pop them out like it’s nothing? Do you know how painful it is to lose 2 children you never met but somehow love with all your heart when people couldn’t care less about their children? I don’t even know how to put it into words. It’s so incredibly frustrating and painful.

I am very thankful for friends and family who have tried their absolute best to help during both our miscarriages. Although the circumstances surrounding each were different, they were still incredibly painful. Sometimes there are no words that can be said to comfort. And that’s fine. We’re all only human, and there’s only so much we can do.

We do have hope in God that things will get better and that He works all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). I know that. I get that. But, let’s be honest, sometimes even knowing that truth with all your heart doesn’t seem to be enough when you feel like your heart is being torn apart.

Don’t get me wrong. That truth is enough, but sometimes it certainly doesn’t feel like enough.

2.) The second issue is something I’m fairly sure I’ve never had to deal with before, and it’s been a real thorny issue.

I was recently accused of having some inappropriate interactions on Facebook. This was one of the reasons we took a break for a week.

The accusation hit me like a ton of bricks. In my mind the interactions I had were by absolutely no means inappropriate.

I appreciate my friend looking out for me and my marriage, and I assured him that there was nothing going on.

But the fallout has been rough. And that’s putting it lightly.

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t be yourself? Because that’s how I’ve felt over the past few weeks. I catch myself second guessing almost everything I say, especially on Facebook, for fear that it might be misinterpreted and cause even more problems. It sucks that I feel like I have to change who I am because of other people’s perceptions of me and my actions.

I think, to an extent, this whole incident has made me much more angry than the miscarriage. Or maybe just a different kind of angry.

It got to the point where I totally freaked out on Danielle one night, which was part of the inspiration for this blog post. This situation has caused a lot of stress on our marriage that we’ve never had to deal with before, and things have gotten “real” a time or too in dealing with all the feelings, etc. brought on by it. The good news is that we are stronger and have a better relationship because of this situation.

Here’s the thing.

For many years I have had more girl friends than guy friends. Growing up, almost all throughout school, I hung out with my cousin since we’re practically the same age. And who did we hang out with? You guessed it, her female friends. That pretty much continued all the way through high school, where I picked up even more female friends, probably because the ratio was pretty stacked in the girls’ favor, at least in our class.

This might get me some grief, but I basically describe myself during this time as the non-gay stereotypical gay friend that girls have.

Fast forward to college. My very first friend I made was during my Spanish class, which just so happened to be taught by a German. In our advanced Spanish classes it was basically me and another guy friend and then all girls. Then we attended FCA and CCC where the ratios were also heavily in favor of the girls.

Danielle has a lot of amazing friends that I’m also friends with. It just seems to be how it’s worked out.

I would love to have even a couple really close guy friends. I mean the kind where you can just lay it all out there and say whatever you want, without fear of being judged, etc. At this point I haven’t found those people, but I have made some great friends in the past year or so and those friendships are continuing to develop.

I know I need those guy friends. Danielle and I are both aware of becoming “too close” with a guy or girl that’s not each other. Respectively. We talk about those things. Having safe guards in place to not get in those situations. Because the reality is. It happens. To people you never thought it would.

I feel even less amped up about this issue as I come to the end of the blog post, so thanks for being part of my therapy.

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Can We Handle the Truth?

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Posted by on Feb 12, 2012 in Abortion, Facebook, God, Opinion, Social Media | 0 comments

First, let’s start out with the classic scene from A Few Good Men.

 

 

I LOVE that line.

So, this past weekend, I’ve found myself the “victim” of the Facebook block on 2 separate occasions. I figured I would share the circumstances and some observations.

Block #1

Oh, Facebook Ticker, I love you and sometimes loathe you at the same time. I already have a propensity to throw my $.02 in on occasion, and the Ticker just feeds that propensity. The other day I noticed that my cousin, Cody, had chimed in on a wall post by a famous Florida radio personality. The post was something to the extent of, “women have it way harder then men. Men can’t possibly understand. Women should be treated better than men, due to the fact that they are women.” Now, this is my paraphrase.

Cody countered with some comments highlighting the value / worth of men, and basically got virtually stomped on for it. At this point I decided to chime in.

Here’s my thing. We’re all created equal. Period. None of us are better than anyone else. We are all commanded to treat each other as Christ would. The end.

And that was the point I tried to share. Well, one lady went off on me, how I was lucky that my wife / significant other hadn’t decided to get a hysterectomy so she didn’t have to deal with the burdens of womanhood. Now, we’re currently going through our 2nd miscarriage, and I just about went through the roof. Half a dozens replies floated through my mind before rational thought prevailed and I offered what I thought was a calm and honest response.

When I checked the post later I realized I couldn’t see any of the woman’s responses, but I could see replies from other people. I had been the recipient of the Block. Now, Danielle chimed in later on with some awesome responses.

Block #2

On the heels of the emotional posts last night regarding the death of Whitney Houston, I noticed one fly through my Ticker from the page of a well known Pro Life proponent. She had mentioned that she was praying for Whitney Houston’s soul.

I’m sorry, but I don’t find evidence that once someone has stepped into eternity our prayers can effect where they spend said eternity. Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians 5:8 that being absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. In Hebrews 9:27 we read that man is destined to die once and then face judgment.

Perhaps there is a purgatory. I can’t say for sure. But why in the world would you want to gamble your eternity on whether or not purgatory exists. That’s a bet I don’t want to take.

When I went back to the post later on I noticed that I couldn’t comment and that all my comments had been deleted.

I had received The Block.

Now, I get it. This post sounds like I’m just whining about getting blocked by two strangers on Facebook. That’s really not the point I’m trying to make.

Danielle recently posted on the topic of criticism and our ability to hear and handle the truth, even when it hurts. I couldn’t agree more.

Let’s tie this back to the Bible. Let’s take a look at Matthew 16:21-23.

From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.22 Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!”

23 Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”

 

In the words of a TV character, “Oh, snap!” Jesus just dropped one of the biggest Truth Bombs ever on his boy Peter. He called him Satan. It does get more harsh or true than that.

If you would grant me some artistic freedom, let’s fast forward a couple thousand years to see how this might have played out if Jesus and Peter used Social Media.

Jesus Tweets / FB posts: I must suffer many things at the hands of man and be killed.

Peter replies / comments: No way, Jesus! That’s not going to happen!

Jesus: Get behind me, Satan!

Peter blocks Jesus from posting on his wall and then hides Jesus. Who does that guy think he is anyway? Peter definitely stops following Jesus on Twitter and blocks him there too.

Peter posts on his Facebook, “can you believe what Jesus called me? He called me Satan. The nerve of that guy.” He Tweets this to all of his followers and causes a rift in Christianity that never completely heals.

Instead, what does Peter do? Well we don’t know what his exact reaction was, but we do know he was ready to lop off ears in the Garden of Gethsemane. Sounds like he handled Jesus’ harsh words pretty well.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

And lest you think I can lob truth bombs and not take them, believe me, in the past few weeks I’ve handled more than my fair share.

Remember Jesus’s words, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free…”