26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
I have dealt with a lot of anger recently, and since writing appears to be therapeutic for me, I figured I’d get some of it out here.
WARNING: continue reading at your own risk.
There have basically been two incidents that have spawned a lot of these anger issues.
1.) Our second miscarriage
Although having Fitzy helps out so much, it still was a total emotional sucker punch for me. Danielle was more prepared because she felt something was wrong. I tried to reassure her several times that everything would be ok. I don’t know how many times I did that while we were pregnant with Fitzy, and everything turned out wonderfully.
I know people have meant well when they tell me that Fitzy will help, and I am thankful for all you who have said that to me. But it still sucks. It just plain sucks.
Do you know how many people are out there that shouldn’t being have kids that seem to pop them out like it’s nothing? Do you know how painful it is to lose 2 children you never met but somehow love with all your heart when people couldn’t care less about their children? I don’t even know how to put it into words. It’s so incredibly frustrating and painful.
I am very thankful for friends and family who have tried their absolute best to help during both our miscarriages. Although the circumstances surrounding each were different, they were still incredibly painful. Sometimes there are no words that can be said to comfort. And that’s fine. We’re all only human, and there’s only so much we can do.
We do have hope in God that things will get better and that He works all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). I know that. I get that. But, let’s be honest, sometimes even knowing that truth with all your heart doesn’t seem to be enough when you feel like your heart is being torn apart.
Don’t get me wrong. That truth is enough, but sometimes it certainly doesn’t feel like enough.
2.) The second issue is something I’m fairly sure I’ve never had to deal with before, and it’s been a real thorny issue.
I was recently accused of having some inappropriate interactions on Facebook. This was one of the reasons we took a break for a week.
The accusation hit me like a ton of bricks. In my mind the interactions I had were by absolutely no means inappropriate.
I appreciate my friend looking out for me and my marriage, and I assured him that there was nothing going on.
But the fallout has been rough. And that’s putting it lightly.
Have you ever felt like you couldn’t be yourself? Because that’s how I’ve felt over the past few weeks. I catch myself second guessing almost everything I say, especially on Facebook, for fear that it might be misinterpreted and cause even more problems. It sucks that I feel like I have to change who I am because of other people’s perceptions of me and my actions.
I think, to an extent, this whole incident has made me much more angry than the miscarriage. Or maybe just a different kind of angry.
It got to the point where I totally freaked out on Danielle one night, which was part of the inspiration for this blog post. This situation has caused a lot of stress on our marriage that we’ve never had to deal with before, and things have gotten “real” a time or too in dealing with all the feelings, etc. brought on by it. The good news is that we are stronger and have a better relationship because of this situation.
Here’s the thing.
For many years I have had more girl friends than guy friends. Growing up, almost all throughout school, I hung out with my cousin since we’re practically the same age. And who did we hang out with? You guessed it, her female friends. That pretty much continued all the way through high school, where I picked up even more female friends, probably because the ratio was pretty stacked in the girls’ favor, at least in our class.
This might get me some grief, but I basically describe myself during this time as the non-gay stereotypical gay friend that girls have.
Fast forward to college. My very first friend I made was during my Spanish class, which just so happened to be taught by a German. In our advanced Spanish classes it was basically me and another guy friend and then all girls. Then we attended FCA and CCC where the ratios were also heavily in favor of the girls.
Danielle has a lot of amazing friends that I’m also friends with. It just seems to be how it’s worked out.
I would love to have even a couple really close guy friends. I mean the kind where you can just lay it all out there and say whatever you want, without fear of being judged, etc. At this point I haven’t found those people, but I have made some great friends in the past year or so and those friendships are continuing to develop.
I know I need those guy friends. Danielle and I are both aware of becoming “too close” with a guy or girl that’s not each other. Respectively. We talk about those things. Having safe guards in place to not get in those situations. Because the reality is. It happens. To people you never thought it would.
I feel even less amped up about this issue as I come to the end of the blog post, so thanks for being part of my therapy.