When Up is Down
After reading Aunt Lori’s blog the other day, I figured maybe it would help to get my thoughts/feeling out “on paper”.
Let me start by saying that my space bar is dying, but I digress.
“Up is Down” is how I feel right now. Right is Left, however you want to say it. Everything that I thought made sense, doesn’t seem to any more.
I feel like when we first found out about the miscarriage, yes, we were devastated, but we put on a pretty good face, and I felt “OK” about things. As time goes on, I feel this confidence rapidly fading.
Since I have no one to blame, I tend to blame God. It’s easy since He’s unseen, and can’t defend Himself (although He could if He so chose). I blame Him for not stopping this miscarriage. I blame Him for not letting me have a healthy baby. I blame Him for crushing Danielle’s heart’s desire.
Don’t get me wrong, I know He’s not to blame, but since there is no one else right now, He has become that target. And, you know what? I think He’s OK with that. If he can’t handle my hissy fit, then I would question His Godhood.
It’s the little day by day things that just seem to pile on top of each other. It’s like the Universe is just playing some cosmic hoax on us.
Miscarriage. iPod dies. Car needs to be fixed (again). And the list goes on and on.
I know that most of the things that are bothering me are not big things, certainly not when compared to a human life, but, taken together, they just add to the pile of emotions.
I feel like my heart has a gaping hole in it, and all the kind words and “just have faith”, “God knows what He’s doing”, etc. won’t fill that hole. I know that God is the only one who can fill that hole and heal that hurt, but quite frankly, I don’t trust Him all that much at the moment. I can’t tell you how much I prayed for my little guy, that he would grow up healthy, that he would be blessed, that he would know God, that he would develop the way he was supposed to, and so on.
I feel like those prayers fell on deaf ears. I know in my heart of hearts that they didn’t, but that is how I feel.
I need time to grieve. I need time to process. I wish that people would allow me that time. Allow me to be angry at the moment. Allow me to hurt. Just be there for me. You don’t even need to say anything. In fact, it probably would be better if you didn’t. Don’t act weird. Don’t feel like you have to have all the answers, because, let’s face it, you don’t. Just be a friend. Just go through this with me.
Just let me figure out how to get back to where Up is Up and Down is Down again…